Ah, how I love when TV shows someone emulate my life unintentionally. Or intentionally, since I don’t believe in coincidences.
See How I Met Your Mother’s lastest episode and share in my belief that exs’ should not be invited to weddings:
How I Met Your Mother "Shelter Island"
Would you go to your ex’s wedding?
This is my predicament right now. I haven’t seen or spoken with my ex/best college friend since 2005…and I have no ill feeling towards him or his fiance…in fact, I am glad they are getting married because they were made for each other…they have that “story” that everyone talks about and all singles want…they were meant to be.
But that’s not really the point, is it? I am not sure I want to go for a couple reasons.
1. Have not talked/seen this person in, oh, 3 years?!
2. I kinda feel like an “invited-out-of-obligation” case, in like, oh, her, we should invite her because we used to hang out which I guess makes her my friends still…
3. Isn’t it socitial ackward to attend an ex’s wedding?
See, it’s weird. Because I am THAT girl that is friends with their exs (well, some of them anyway), and it’s not like I wanted to marry them, that is for sure. But I feel socially awkward because as much as I want to experience their union and wish them well (because I am THAT kind of person), another part of me is like, how come I can’t find that happiness right now? And then you start thinking about all your past relationships and the fact that most of your exs are now married or engaged, and it makes you feel inept, like you did something wrong, or that there is something wrong with you…and yes, I know none of this is true, I am perfectly fine, healthy, attractive, yadda yadda….but still…if all these thoughts are going to come up during my ex’s “I dos”…I don’t want to go. (of course we say this won’t happen…but really, how many women do you know who don’t contemplate their existence at a wedding?!)..
I have this re-occurring thought that if something major happened in my life that I wanted to celebrate (as in going on a national tour with my band (I don’t have a band), or maybe needing people to attend an open-mic night for support), that I would want everyone I knew there…yes, even my exs…that I wouldn’t want my exs to feel like I left them out because of malicious thinking…because that is honestly not me (again, I need to become a bitch so I stop having these contemplative thoughts…) And I would invite them because there was a time where these people (especially this latest ex) was more than an ex…he was a best friend who I used to rely on to get me through tough times…
Which brings me to another contemplative thought (isn’t this a fun post?)…if you don’t see or hear from someone who used to be your bestest friend…do you still consider them a friend? Yes, I have these, what I like to call, “facebook” friends…who are there when you need to go out for a night, but disappear just as quickly…and they are all fine and good…but what about that best friend who knew your every move who just suddenly disappears from your life, and then re-enters it like nothing has changed (even though a lot has…)…is that a friendly thing to do? Me thinks not. Certain friendships should have an expiration date, shouldn’t they?
Perhaps if I had seen my ex/best college friend in the last year, I would be eager to go and celebrate. But it seems that he has made it perfectly clear that he has not wanted anything to do with me in the past three years, so really, what is the point of this post?
I believe this is what therapist call the AHA moment…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Yes, even this bitter romantic at large likes Valentine’s Day (although I did mention to someone today that the sugar heart cookies tasted a little bitter…) But come on, how can you not love a day full of love? Beyond the commercialism of it all, beyond Hallmark greetings and wilted flowers, I still truly believe in love…like today, driving home, I see so many people in the world, just going about their daily routine, and I think, they are living, they are breathing just like me, and someone out there is waiting for them to get home, waiting to hear their voices, and someone is waiting to hold their hand… and somehow, knowing that I am part of that world, makes me happy. Yes, I’m single, and yes, I’m fine! I still believe that in this humongous world we live in that there is still one (or two…or three…or five) love (s?) of my life waiting for me. Timing is everything. I believe in that (although somehow writing it down trying to justify it into writing makes it seem like I dont…but I digress…)
There are people out there who are just waiting for me to break into their world and fill it with love and joy and all that crap. Yes, I’m a romantic. Yes, I am loyal to a fault. and Yes, I am learning that you can’t really count on anyone but yourself these days for recognition, for love, for positive feedback, for anything really. we have become so self-sufficient that sometimes I wonder how I could possibly fit the love of my life into my already hectic and chaotic life…in a world where everything can be ordered from the Internet, and if you wanted to hide from the world you could and still survive, how are we still finding time for love? Everyone I have talked to (who are in or have been in love) tell me that they were not looking for it, it just happened, it was one of those destiny’s phenomenons that happen in life…and they are perfectly happy (by no means perfect, by no means happy all the time), but they are going on their 2nd, 5th, 35th years together. And that makes me happy. That they found love. That people I love find love. That people all over the world find love everyday.
Today used to depress me. Dont get me started on the Valentine’s Day Massacre in high school when I was the only one in my class NOT to receive a carnation from someone (but I went on to become the homecoming queen, so don’t feel too bad). I used to loathe this day to the ultimate extreme. People making out in the halls, bus stops, classrooms, psh, like I needed someone on my arm to validate my life. But then something happened, unexpectedly (like it always does), and my icy facade began to melt away. What was it?
I fell in love.
Head over heels, can’t breathe without you love. The love they write about. The love they sing about. I, bitter romantic at large, was lucky enough to experience that kind of love.
And like all good things, it came and it went, but not without leaving a lasting impression on my now somewhat jaded heart. Sure there were tears, Sure there were letters written and pictures burned and all that stuff associated with the fall that comes from the cloud 9 plunge into reality, but for me, it was worth it. It made a believer out of me. And sure, I still take a bitter bite of the Valentine’s Day chocolate…but I know that it will happen again, I am almost positive it will. And for now, I have people who love me. I have friends who bring me Valentine’s Day chocolates to bring a smile to my face. I have family who sends me flowers (even if they are virtual ones) to make sure I know I am loved. And I have a dog whose sole purpose is to love me unconditionally. I feel lucky to have fallen in love. And somehow, reading the two chapters from my “unpublished” novel “Midlife Crisis of a Teenager”, makes me even more optimistic for my future love(s?)
Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you know that I love you all.
**To read excerpts from “Midlife Crisis of a Teenager”, click on the upper right corner button entitled “Excerpts from my Memoirs”**
Mary: “It wasn’t you…it was the idea of you.”
Fay, Mary’s inner voice: The dialogues she had practiced in her head while she was alone finally broke the surface. It all started with an innocent crush, but isn’t that how all the stories go…
Jake: “I didn’t call you.”
Mary: “No, you didn’t.”
Fay: She stared blankly at him, wondering why she was still there.
Jake: “I wanted to call, but…”
Matt, Jake’s inner voice: He hesitated, looked into the nearby mirror, his reflection catching unflattering light from the florescent bulbs above.
Mary: “You don’t have to explain…”
Matt: He looks up. The crease in his brow slowly disappears.
Fay: He smiles, that warm smile that makes the butterflies appear. She speak.
Mary: “Look, when I first met you, I felt like I had known you forever. The books we’ve read, the places we’ve been…it was like, I don’t know, like you were a long lost high school friend who had known me for years.”
Matt: He sits, listening intently.
Fay: His gaze pierces hers. He wants her to continue.
Mary: ” So I thought, ok, I’ll take a chance. A risk. Something I wasn’t used to, and it helped that you weren’t here when I left you that letter. It was easier. In a way, I was cheating Cupid. I left you a letter, and in doing so, left the ball in your court.”
Matt: He wants to say something, but the words escape him.
Fay: Luckily for him, she is on a roll.
Mary: “When you didn’t call, I wasn’t crushed. I was proud of myself for taking a risk. If that was the only thing I got out of it, then so be it.”
Matt: He balks…
Fay: …and then smirks. He speaks.
Jake: “I want you to know that getting that letter from you meant the world to me. It was exactly what I needed at the exact moment in time. That letter was so me, that it scared me that a virtual stranger like you could know me so well as to write a letter so eloquent as that. It was as if the stars or gods or whatever cosmic force brought us together, as PBS channel as that sounds.”
Fay: He sighs, a heavy sigh.
Jake: “I just got out of a long relationship that was exhausting and I don’t think I can go through that again.”
Fay: He looks at her for a reaction, and when she doesn’t give him one, he continues.
Jake: “But I love your company, and you and I have so much in common, and I just feel like we can be really good friends.”
Fay: He spits this out like it would solve everything.
Matt: After an eternal pause, she says…
Mary: “We all have baggage. It’s just how we chose to carry it that makes us who we are.”
Fay: He smiles.
Matt: She smiles. A moment passes. He shifts uncomfortably on his feet.
Fay: She stares at him. He picks his head up, penetrating her eyes, and it hits her.
Matt: She picks up her things and hands him back the letter.
Mary: “It wasn’t you, it was the idea of you.”
Fay: She hears the wheels turning in his head…
Matt: …but the sound of her heels on the pavement drown them out.
There are things in this life that can sometimes bring a girl to tears that has nothing to do with the hypo-glycimic deficency or hormonal imbalances of life…nor does it have anything (really) to do with a guy…it’s the first sign of fall…the crispness in the air…a couple strolling down the street hand in hand…or your first wedding invitation in the mail that is not A) a relative or B) one you are standing up in. As the flurry of proposals and impending wedding season ensues, one contemplates their existance in the world of relationships. How can someone know they want to spend the rest of their waking life with someone, having not traveled the world, having not experienced a life outside of another, without a second thought? Case and point of why I am not the one engaged…I guess I have yet to find myself or my place in life…and how could I expect someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me if I couldn’t even tell you where I will be in the next five years? I have yet to figure out my existance, so it strikes me as ironic and somewhat poetic the amount of people I know who are getting married, getting engaged, or “seriously dating”…I find it very hard to comprehend how one can KNOW…which is probably why I am still searching, since i do not know.
Dont get me wrong, I am all for the romantic in all of us, I am all for people finding soulmates and whatnot, and some people who got engaged I knew would be with each other forever from the first time I saw them together…there is just that “glow”…but seriously folks…how can you know oneself outside of another to know that this is the person you want to spend day in and day out with? I am all for the fairytale, but sometimes, reality’s a bitch.
Which is probably why this cynical romantic cried when opening her first wedding invite…and got a papercut…irony of my life…
My sister came to town this holiday season, and I havev to say, I miss her tons. Wish she would move her ass back to here, so we could hang out more, now that I am not the childhood brat that used to throw stuff at her…:)
As much as family gets annoying and whatnot, I am grateful, for without them, there is no way I would be where I am today…When I was in LA, I thought it was awesome that I escaped that high school stigma that seemed to follow me around…and I loved LA for all 2.5 seconds…but then I realized everyone there is a facade, and the few that werent usually came from NY or the midwest, and we would all sit around and bitch about how much everyone in LA was fake and annoying, and how we missed big family christmases and fireplaces and snow. And while we all breathed a collective sigh of nostalgia, I think I was the only one who really missed it. Who missed all the annoyance, the food, the joy of looking into a child’s eyes and seeing the hopefulness of Santa and the innocence of it all.
Yes, headaches were had, rolled eyes were at a plenty, and there was even yelling and tears. But I couldn’t have asked for a better xmas, because for once, I had family…my own family…and that was the best present of all.
And yes, I miss my sister everyday cause I finally am at that point where I dont feel the need to throw cabbage patch dolls at her head, only to sing a musical song and waiting for her harmony…but for once, it was a nice christmas to have her here. (and if you are reading this, it is not a guilt trip, just remember Copacobana rings in the Walnut Room or “Interpretive Miss Saigon” car rides, and you will understand my nostlgia.)
